32 reasons to hate PVW….

“I think Depression suffers from Paul Wilson.” – MG Dense           

Thirty Two years have passed.

I’m a little older and a little miser.

My girlfriend, Lolo found and named my first grey back hair today. Long Live Charles the IV!

But honoring another meaningless birthday is not why I write to you, dear reader.

My 32nd birthday marks five years of relative sobriety!

I use the word ‘Relative’ for a reason.

Years ago, at friends wedding, I was duped into ingesting a magic cookie.

In that intense, yet illuminating, confrontation with the Oracle, the Sun God Ra, various ancestors and assorted deities, I concluded that my digestive system doesn’t tolerate any form of depressant, plant based or otherwise.

******

Last week, while clutching a giant Moscow Mule copper cup in Al the Wop’s, a farmer approached me and said,

“Wow! That’s the biggest Moscow Mule I seen since Donald Trump.”

I told him, “It’s water. I don’t drink.”

The farmer cajoled, “DUI’s must be expensive!”

I guess that most non-drinker’s have some kind of salacious fuck up on their resume that justifies not drinking. A 502 would spare me the awkwardness of having to explain my relationship with Alcohol to people who really don’t care to begin with... (If you do care, read on)
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Many others assume I am sober because I am descended from a long line of famous drunks and depressive alcoholics.

This too, while a promising theory, misses the point.

The real reason is far less complicated.

I don’t drink because it bores me.

When I drank, the same, predictable pattern played itself out over and over again, yielding the same cringe-worthy results.

Boredom breeds indifference. Indifference breeds objectivity.

I stopped drinking New Years Eve 2013 at EXP 10.

The day after I met Lolo.

Not needing to quell the anxiety of meeting girls helped abstaining this long. So Lolo, as per usual, deserves the Lion’s share of the credit for keeping of the sauce.

But even after five years of teetotaling, I don’t feel like it is much of an accomplishment. I never had a problem in the first place.

The accomplishment, and reason I write this, is in being honest with myself, the choices I make and not being thrown of by the masses. I know not drinking will hurt my career and social life, but I am not against it.

My best friends and heroes grow Wine Grapes. My grandfather was the last remaining commercial Hop Farmer in California. And my favorite part about sobriety is convincing others to get hammered and watching the subsequent spiral.

If the Boomer generation has taught me anything, it’s that hypocrisy has it’s merits.

So raise a glass of whatever and toast me….Here’s to another five years of sobriety! Here’s to another five years of Lolo putting up with me! And here’s to not ironically getting into a head on collision with a drunk driver on my way home tonight!

Feliz Año Nuevo!