G’Day my Mediocre Reader.
Time to talk about Europe’s most invasive species since the Third Reich.
Australian’s constitute both ends of “The Best and Worst parts of European Adventure” continuum.
On the Worst End of the Continuum….Aussie Men.
Australia is proud of their obnoxious, behaviorally impaired men. (Save: Charlie Billeh, Chopper and Al Turnbull)
Today’s average Australian male comprises one of three Archetypes.
The Introvert does not say much.
He spends 80 percent of his social life differentiating between his left and right feet.
Befriend him. He might spare you on his Shooting Spree induced by …
This Aussie Archetype makes up 80 percent of the traveling Aussie population.
The Spicoli came to Europe with a lack of money, soap and manners .
He refers to his member as “Mi Cock.”
To him, male bonding is taking group photos of your mangina’s.
1st Drink, He feels compelled to explain which of his Tribal Tattoo’s best defines him as a person.
2nd Drink: He stumbles upon his nightly realization that he has alienated all attractive women within a quarter mile radius.
6th Drink. He is too drunk to notice that his countrywomen have fallen victim to….The Charmer.
The Charmer composes roughly 5% of the male Australian population.
This percentage may seem insignificant, until you realize that they hold controlling interest in the Female Stock Market.
Or as I call it…The “Vagority”.
This man has more game than Ataris.
His soft eye-contact and Australian accent mixed with his subtle charm creates a Once-in-a-Lifetime Experience for their American female prey.
On the other side of the continuum, hands down, the Aussie Women.
Due to the lack of real men on their continent the Aussie Women are relatively desperate.
Anything short of “Excuse me while I whip this out” is considered charming.
They lack the seemingly American, socially programmed chastity belt.
After my 3rd Fanatics Trip, these Women deserve the credit for renewing my faith in their gender.
Here are some helpful hints that will help manage the Aussie in your Life.
1. The quickest way to get into rapport is to talk highly about Chopper Read.
Chopper is Australia’s most revered Criminal. This man literally stabbed his way into the Australian limelight.
Chopper makes Charles Manson look like the kind of guy, you want to bring home to Dad.
2. DO NOT Make fun of Gallipoli.
During World War 1, the British and Australians were fighting against the Turks. According to the lore, they were set to Attack at Midday. Except the Australians forgot to set their watches to the appropriate time and got massacred while the British were having Tea.
I had to restrain an Aussie girl from attacking a Turkish Kebab Chef because he violated this principle. This man had a Kebab Knife and still feared her wrath.
3. DO NOT attempt this Argument. You will lose.
American Football is not tougher than rugby.
If you feel compelled to make this argument, attend a Rugby Game. Rugby is non-stop brutality with no pads. (Be prepared for their ever so witty Tampon/Football “Pad Metaphor.” )
Winston Churchill is quoted as saying, “Actually Gridiron is somewhat like rugby. But why do you have all these committee meetings?”
Some teams ,like the New Zealand All Blacks, have a Pre-Game War Dance that they do to Intimidate the opposition.
The closest thing to a War Dance Americans have is Ray Lewis having a seizure, or Kevin Garnett showering in powder.
4. DO NOT challenge Aussies to a drinking contest.
In America, we have Mothers Against Drunk Drivers..
In Australia, they have Drunk Drivers Against Mothers.