Lolo and I just moved to the Delta.
As the weasel burrows, we’re a quarter mile from the mighty Sacramento.
We tried to buy a home in Lodi, but Real Estate values are inflated. Every home we put an offer on, we were outbid by sums astronomical.
The best decision, we decided, was to fix up the 100-year-old house I grew up in. It’s a generational home that Wilson’s have inhabited for over a century. The structural integrity of the house is sound, but the home was due for some strategic upgrades. Lolo managed all these deftly.
The first night in the home, the Yorkie’s alerted me to a presence in the orchard. I staggered outside to find a couple hooligans smoking dope by our pump. (Pumps have copper wire, which is often gleaned by drug addicts for meth.)
“What are you doing here,” I ask.
“Just passing through,” they reply.
“This is private property.”
“We know, but what are you going to do about it?”
Hmph.
If being a Wilson has taught me anything, it’s when you find yourself in conflict and ambiguity:
Escalate.
**************
I’ve had plenty of death threats over my career. Disgruntled courtiers. Labor contractors. Resentful locals. The list is long and varied. Technically, I qualify for concealed weapons permit, but know I’d fail the subsequent background investigation.
I can hear the interviewer now…
“He’s been arrested for aggressive eye contact? ….He slapped a customer?….He almost beat up a seventy year old competitor who made racist comments to his team?”
Perhaps, gun ownership is a bad idea for someone with a volcanic temper like mine.
But Lolo and I live in bumble fucked Egypt.
Sheriff response times are upwards of 45 minutes.
A Glock 19’s response time is 200 ft per second.
What does a guy do when he needs to fortify his compound, but doesn’t want to own a gun?
He calls Kentucky and ships in a Direwolf.
*********
Direwolves aren’t real. I learn this on The Google.
Direwolves are CGI and exist only on Game of Thrones.
The closest thing I could find to a Direwolf is a Turkish Kangal.
We bought one for a variety of reasons.
First, Kangal’s are an LGD.
Which means they only respond to commands once learning their preferred pronouns.
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Kidding.
LGD means Livestock Guardian Dog.
The Kangal was bred to defend livestock from the predators who roam the Turkish Countryside.
Lions, Tigers, Kurds, Oh My.
I don’t have livestock, but I have two yorkies, a wife, and, god willing, kids, who need protection from the coyotes, raptors and Labor Contractors that orbit my area of operation.
The Kangal is the most Antifragile dog breed of which I am aware.
They thrive in harsh climates, chaos and unpredictable situations. At twelve weeks, our Kangal outweighs my 5-year-old nephew. At a year she’ll outweigh your average Wilson. By the time she’s full-grown she’ll have a stronger bite force than any other domesticated canine.
Yes, you read that right. Kangal’s have a more powerful bite force than even Pit Bulls.
This disappointed me.
Dixie and Rambo
I took pride in the fact that I’ve survived four pit-bull attacks by three different pit bulls. This includes Grandma Dixie’s pit Rambo, who bit me twice.
When I told Dixie,
“This is the second time Rambo has bit me, time to put him down!”
Dixie shot me a look I’ve seen only from professional Cage Fighters and Serial Killers and menaced,
“Put him down and I’ll put you down.”
I believed her.
The second reason I bought a Kangal is jealousy.
My Dad’s Pearynees
I’ve wanted a sheepdog for years, but once my dad bought a giant Pyrenees this winter, I couldn’t contain the urge to one up him.
The third reason is lifespan.
Kangal’s live forever. Upwards to 14 years, which is rare among large dogs. When my last dog passed, I was sidelined for months with grief unbearable.
Lolo, chief of the naming committee, is in charge of naming the hound.
Here is the shortlist:
- Dixie. She’s big, white, eats a lot and is very dangerous.
- Kamala. She’ll be protecting a senile old man (me).
- Grey. She’ll take your life, or save it, just like Meredith Grey.
- Pava – Spanish for Turkey
The interim name is Grey, unless you, my dear reader, can up with a better one.
Comment or DM your choice or idea.
Legal Notice: All names will be taken into consideration, but the Naming Committee is a benevolent dictatorship ran with an iron fist