If a Website asks ‘Accept Cookies?’, be skeptical.
If a Wilson asks ‘Accept Cookies?’, be prepared for a Spiritual Reckoning.
I learned this lesson the hard way.
‘The Price is Right’ reruns were on. I melted into the couch after a long day at work.
“Remember to spay and neuter your pets!” Bob Barker reminded his audience
My eyes panned to Winston. My dog. My life coach. My consigliore.
“I think we should spay and neuter Bob Barker,” he advised.
‘My dog talks?’ Wait….What?…. Oh Shit.’
Reality set in.
‘The cookie I ate an hour ago was laced.’
Checkmated by my own kin, I’d been given a heroic dose.
A 50mg edible.
Over the ensuing hours I was on an emotional roller coaster whose contours felt eerily similar to my career as a Maid man. Highs. Lows. Yelling. Pearanoia. Anxiety attacks. Tears.
Fortunately, I’m no stranger to time travel.
I met The Wizard 25 years ago when the town Sheriff loaned my adopted brothers a pair of handcuffs. It was decided that I was the a perfect candidate for what I later learned was a ‘Drownproofing Exercise.’
My hands were cuffed behind my back. I was thrown into the deep end of a pool and bobbed in the water for what felt like an eternity, but a mere fifteen seconds later succumbed to The Panic. Once the bubbles stopped percolating, I was rescued and resuscitated.
I woke up poolside. Jules towering above me.
“You’re a man now,” he pronounced. “Don’t tell my dad.”
My fear of a death was gone. I passed my ordeal.
———
I’d tell you to ‘Never trust a Wilson confection’, but that’s bad marketing.
One sibling owns a chocolate factory. The other doses people for sport.
‘It’s for your own good,” he splained. “Forced consciousness expansion.”
Jokes on me. I’m mostly sober. Which would be an accomplishment, had I had a substance abuse problem in the first place.
All the products of Saudi Dutest meet various occupational safety features in order to enhance the work efficiency of generico cialis on line the clients. This active compound is counted in the best ingredients which has set new standard for the treatment of Erectile Dysfunction, Caverta (Sildenafil citrate) had to offer something that buy viagra Recommended pharmacy store (Sildenafil) did not. Although I’m not cured for impotence, the vacuum constriction device cialis viagra levitra is and how it works. Likewise, this solution cialis samples free must be brought just with plain water and not with liquor or any sort of refreshment. I once told Grandma Dixie that I had an addictive personality and she replied,
“Aww Padarusky! (her nickname for me)…You don’t have a personality.”
Dixie is right.
I’m a liar?
Yes.
Addict?
No.
I just that Depressants and I don’t mix.
If I still drank, the Isleton Police department would still exist. My DUI revenues alone would’ve kept that gaggle of dipshits afloat.
If I still drank, Al the Wop’s* wouldn’t have to serve alcohol to minor’s anymore
But if I still drank, certain death would soon follow. My autopsy would posthumously reveal a liver so swollen it would be destined for Foie Gras. “He’s an organ donor after all” the coroner would advise
Perhaps, it’s trauma, shit genetics, boredom or all the above, but I’d rather subscribe to Nancy Pelosi’s Only Fans than drink again.
I’m rationalizing here, but I don’t think Consulting the Oracle of Delta High (ingesting edibles) counts against sobriety.
If it does, my High School Algebra teacher, Dr. Zanzi owes me an apology.
Of Zanzi’s many lessons, Algebra 2 wasn’t one of them.
Zanzi’s Goliath-like forearms and eyesight were no match for my David-like precision laser beam vision.
My 20/20 Ocean Blues to slayed the beast of Algebra 2 by cheating off comrade Culbertson Aiello with a disregard for authority only my father could appreciate.
I’m not saying that I didn’t learn anything from the Good Doctor. I did.
If Doc Zanzi taught me anything it’s that Consulting the Oracle of Delta High is the path to enlightenment, not rehab.
*If canceled for using the term, ‘Wop’, my apology will be given in fluent Italian from the Al’s women’s restroom. After thorough tests of it’s acoustics, I’ve decided it’s the perfect place to announce a change of genders and pronouns.
I’ll baseball slide past the cancel culture tag into SJW Homebase so fast Caitlyn Jenner wouldn’t even be able to hit the cut off man…Get it. Cut off, man. I guess if you have to splain it, it’s not funny.
Signing off,
-Paul Wilson.
they’re/there/their