Every summer, I get deported to the Late District to manage Pear Harvest.
I hate the term ‘Late District.’ It is so lazy.
Mendocino and Lake Counties bolth deserve much better. Let’s change it to:
“Emerald Triangle District. Where Green Bartlett’s are even Greener!”
With your encouragement, my dear reader, I’ll lobby aggressively to change the name at the next pear board summit. But I digest.This ETD harvest, I chose to stay Mendocino County.
Well, I guess I didn’t really choose. I was evicted from a house I’d rented for the past three harvests.
In 2017, I used Airbnb to secure a rental for a night. I’m not a rat, but I negotiated with the owner to cut Airbnb out of the deal and 6 weeks each year I had a home with Wifi dubbed “Forward Operating Base Lake County.”
Sadly, I got bait and switched harder than Amazon shipping by the owner of FOB Lake Co.. I got the heave ho and was forced to stay in Mendocino County.
I’m not complaining, because the median IQ is much higher in Mendocino County. But not by much.
I stayed in the Capital of Mendocino County called Ukiah. Ukiah proper is a very liberal city surrounded by very conservative farmers. It’s a lot like ATX. A Blueberry in the Red Tomato Soup, as it were. It is a strange ecosphere.
There are tie died boomer hippies limping around the streets. There are Trustafarians masquerading as relators. There are menopausal hippy men with opinions. And there are Trimmigrants. Ukiah is infested with Trimmigrants.
A Trimmigrant is an individual who seeks Fame and Fortune in the Dope Game in the Emerald Triangle. Trimmigrants can be male or female. Bolth sexes exhibit dreadlocked plumage. Imagine Jack Sparrow, but only more disheveled.
The females are perfect 10’s, despite hairy armpits, unfortunate tattoo desicions and ill advised piercings. The males drive brand new lifted trucks and make more money than most MBA’s I know.
I hated Trimmigrants forever, but after 17 summers of work within the Emerald Triangle, I’ve learned to embrace my inner Trimmigrant. I too court Fame and Fortune here.
There was only one downside to staying Mendocino County. Mask of Virtue enforcement was in full swing. This caused me a whole raft of issues. Namely, a rift between the manager of the Ukiah Comfort Inn developed and widened.
I won’t elaborate these issues in public forum, but I will tell you, that I ended my stay wagging a self righteous index finger and announcing to anyone within earshot “Airbnb will doom your business!..”
I’m calmer now. After some deep breath work and glaucoma medication I realized that Ukiah spelled backwards is Haiku.
With that in mind I’ll leave you with one.…
Highway Twenty? No!
More like Highway Four Twenty….
Amirite tho?
My syllable count might be off, but if Public School has taught me anything, it’s that my stupidity isn’t my fault.