We are cornered by a Masai Warrior. He is blocking the hundred yard sprint back to the Safari Jeep and shaking us down for more dinero.
I should’ve seen it coming. If you spend enough time around Labor Contractors, you’ll develop an antennae for this kind of bullshit.
But I’m conflicted.
The Masai Warrior gave us a wonderful tour of his village. We saw inside their homes, where big families inhabit a forty sqf mud hut.
The Masai Warrior and I had a jumping contest. I lost.
When telling us about his multiple wives, the Masai Warrior told us “Masai women aren’t jealous.”
“How would you know?” I asked.
We all laughed.
The tour the Masai Warrior gave us was epic.
I’m generous by nature. I was going to donate to the cause regardless. But the second a spear toting Masai dressed in pastoral plaid starts trying to intimidate me, I become a different person.
Most tourists just fork over the Benjamin Franklin and chalk it up to the experience, but the Nick Diaz Academy taught me otherwise. Violence isn’t the answer, but it is an option.
Fortunately the tension was dispelled through reason. My wiser, more emotionally mature wife calmed us both down.
The Masai Warrior and my pocketbook walked away unscathed.
*****
I have a deep appreciation for the Masai. After our time in the village, I thought that being a nomadic tribesman was the life we were designed for as humans.
I wanted to be Masai.
That is until I learned about the initiation process:
To become a Masai man you have to endure circumcision without flinching and kill a predator with your spear.
No thank you.
The Masai live on a diet of beef, goat meat, cow milk and cow blood.
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As Brendan Schaub says, they are ‘Bodied up’.
Most Masai men have chiseled six packs.
If Joey Sanchez catches me in his arena, tapping a Corrientes vein, you’ll know I’ve taken drastic measures to finally lose the pesky lbs that circle my midsection.
The Masai are a nomadic herding population. Cattle is currency.
Dowries are paid in cattle and are directly proportional to beauty of the Bride. The more cattle paid to the father of the bride, the hotter the wife.
I asked Lolo how many cattle she was worth.
10,000 head was the answer.
I’d gladly reckon that sum.
Death Stare
I asked Lolo about her policy on multiple wives and received an immediate and venomous death stare.
Most Masai have multiple wives.
Which means the only monogamous creatures on the Masai Steppe are Jackals and Dik Diks.
When looking at a Masai village, the amount of mud huts equals the amount of wives. The more mud huts and cattle, the richer the Masai.
Our guide, Sevrini, told us there are Fake Masai who wear the traditional garb in the inner cities, but aren’t actually Masai.
There is no real way to out these posers. That is, unless you have a lion, hyena, leopard or cheetah handy.
The Tanzanian reverence for Masai, reminded me of New Zealand’s total acceptance of Maori Culture.
I wish we had the same ethic in the United States. Instead, we give Native American’s gaming license’s and tell them to fuck off.
To remember our Masai Village experience, Lolo and I caved and bought matching His and Hers Masai spears.
Now we have a Turkish Kangal, two blood-thirtsy Yorkies and Masai Spears for home defense.
Rob us at your own peril.